Divine Bribery

I don’t know who said the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but that phrase applies to no one better than it does to me. In swimming there’s a little saying that goes like this: Eat to swim. It makes sense. Eating will provide energy and the essentials to maintain good performance in the pool (if eating properly), but now that I’m coaching, I eat to swim. The best part is my swimmers know this. Perhaps too much. So of course they tend to make or bring food in attempts to goad me into allowing them to have fun—like relays or sharks and minnows (a game where one person is the shark and tries to tag the minnows above water to make them become sharks). I give them the same response though—no fun is allowed in my group. A 2000 IM for anyone who smiles (this would be a five hundred, twenty laps, of each stroke starting with fly, back, breast, then ending with free, link to video of a 400 IM).

Over the past year, my swimmers have given me delicious treats in nearly every category of cuisine: cookies, cupcakes, cakes, banana/cucumber bread, brownies, chocolate bars, sour patch kids and almost every other kind of candy, Asian pears, candied apples, fudge, tiramisu, dumplings, siopao, and even baked goods whose names I don’t know or won’t even try to pronounce. I like to think I am given these items because they love and respect me, but that is simply not true (maybe). Food just makes me happier. Ergo I know they think that when they give me food I will be more lenient since I am happier. Oh yes, I have also received jam. The most recent, blackberry jam from Knottsberry Farm. So delectable. Anyways, my workouts don’t depend on my mood, regardless of what they think; they’re all planned out in advance. However certain, special kinds of bribes have worked in getting me to change practice from time to time. Since my swimmers are not yet clever enough to figure out just which ones win me over, here’s a few of my favorite.

Pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. My love for these heavenly creations go beyond any mortal state of existence. I’m not a huge fan of pumpkin, nor regular chocolate chips. But the flavor of milk chocolate circulated around a mild spice of pumpkin ignites a flavor so overwhelming California as a whole would be burnt to a crisp in seconds if this flavor were but a small camping fire. I have received these cookies, home-made which easily excels over store bought any hour of any day, and each time my swimmers have succeeded in convincing me to play a game as opposed to continue with the last set of practice. The problem was not lack of quality, but lack of quantity.

Candied apples. Believe it or not I had never had one until I started coaching, and even then only about a year ago. Though my appetite for them is lower than the above specimen, caramel with dark chocolate (the supreme leader of all chocolates) flakes and mini-m&ms is a tough combination to beat. I hate cutting the giant creations though. I mean, why even put them on a stick? That’s just stupid. On all three occasions of these heavenly rations rewarded to me, games were implemented into my planning process for the last practice of the week.

Cheesecake. Any kind. This master among desserts has been my favorite since I could crawl towards my yellow triangles that refused to fit into the perforated circles on that giant wood crate thing. As I grew older, cheesecake continued to grow fonder in my stomach. I mean Heart. Though nothing can beat my obsession with pancakes, cheesecake comes close. It’s like watching Lord of the Rings then switching to Harry Potter. Pleasing, but far from the degree of excellence in the first instance. Thankfully, and yes, I say thankfully for a reason, my swimmers have yet to discover my love for cheesecake. If they knew, we would be playing more sharks and minnows than breathing.

My love for food is truly abnormal. But wholly beneficial of course. It serves a purpose of more than simply satisfying my wild beast of a stomach; it fills me with a sense of accomplishment, which is greater than satisfaction. My swimmers know how to win me over. They bring bribery in forms of nothing else besides food. Though they explicitly bribe me into getting what they want, I implicitly bribe them into getting me my wants. And of course, since they think they’re the ones with the upper hand, my subtle requests are fulfilled over time. Funny how bribery is a two way connection, almost like the one between my swimmers and me.